


Alive On The Ocean Wave

by maiden_aunt (SCFrankles)



Series: The Enchanting World of Reaper and Bracket [4]
Category: Dear Ladies (TV), The Random Jottings of Hinge and Bracket (Radio)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Grim Reaper!Evadne, Halloween, Humor, Immortal!Hilda, Past minor character death, Spook Me Multi-Fandom Halloween Ficathon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 19:16:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21184595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SCFrankles/pseuds/maiden_aunt
Summary: Evadne and Hilda find out the worst has happened - Baba Yaga has indeed eaten Maud. But even though Maud hadn't gone to her cousin's seaside boarding house, her soul has still ended up in Sheerness. Evadne and Hilda follow on to try and assist Maud on to the next world.Maud herself may have other plans though.





	Alive On The Ocean Wave

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Spook Me Multi-Fandom Halloween Ficathon 2019](https://spook-me.dreamwidth.org/15675.html). You can see the picture prompts I used [here](https://images44.fotki.com/v1405/photos/6/3814576/16026379/escenefinal51920_jpg1459884240-vi.jpg) and [here](https://images54.fotki.com/v1662/photos/6/3814576/16026379/renyingshiok_jpg1515671872-vi.jpg). 
> 
> Hinge and Bracket were created by Patrick Fyffe and George Logan. Dear Ladies was written by Fyffe and Logan, and Gyles Brandreth, and produced by the BBC. And these versions of Maureen Montero, Maud Print and Dougal MacDougal are from the BBC radio series The Random Jottings of Hinge and Bracket, which was written by Gerald Frow.
> 
> * * *

A perfect summer’s day and a perfect cup of tea. 

Hilda sat at the patio table with the tea tray and all its accoutrements before her, and smiled happily to herself. Just at that moment in time, it felt like nothing could ever be wrong in the entire world. 

Behind her, Evadne came stomping out through the French windows, fluctuating between her true Grim Reaper self and her respectable elderly lady form. Hilda sighed and set her cup down. She twisted her head round.

“Everything all right, Evadne?”

“No!”

Evadne settled on the Dr. Hinge form and slumped down in the seat next to Hilda.

“I have just spent the last hour absolutely _immersed_ in sin!”

Hilda pursed her lips and considered Evadne. “Are you sure, dear? People generally seem to look a great deal more cheerful when that’s the case.”

“Hilda!” Evadne attempted a glare but seemed to give up halfway. “No, what I mean is… I have been in communication with my mother.”

“Oh…” Hilda picked up her cup of tea and took a sip. She shook her head. “You know, I will never get used to Maureen being the Personification of Sin. I know this sort of thing is normal in your family and God knows she likes to enjoy herself but honestly, she’s such a pleas—”

“Hilda, _please!”_

Startled, Hilda looked up again at Evadne. She wrinkled her forehead. “You’re really not all right, are you, dear? What’s going on?”

Evadne smiled awkwardly and sat up properly. “Hilda, I’ve got some news— That is, Mother told me— Hang on, wait a moment.” 

She picked up a teaspoon from the table, placed five heaped spoonfuls of sugar from the sugarbowl into Hilda’s tea and stirred it vigorously.

“There. Drink that.”

Hilda stared down at the cup in her hand. Then she set it carefully down on the table and looked up at Evadne. 

“I see. You’re going to tell me something that’s a shock.”

She gave one firm nod.

“I think I know what it is. Just tell me, dear.”

“If you’re sure… I’m afraid it is pretty awful, Hilda.” Evadne took a deep breath. “You see… Mother has got it out of my grandmother finally. Granny did indeed…” She hesitated.

“...eat Maud?” said Hilda.

Evadne nodded and looked away.

“Oh, no. Oh, poor Arthur. And poor Tom!” Hilda shuddered and closed her eyes for a long moment. She took a deep breath and opened them again. “I can’t say it’s a surprise though. Once we knew she hadn’t gone to her cousin’s boarding house in Sheerness, there was really only one other thing that could have happened.”

Evadne looked back at her. “Actually though… That’s something else I need to tell you about, dear. Maud _has_ gone to Sheerness.”

Hilda looked puzzled. “You’re not saying… Maud has survived being eaten?”

“No, I’m afraid not. Well, not exactly.” Evadne smiled weakly. “It’s her soul that’s gone to Sheerness.” 

She shrugged a little. 

“It was Mother who tracked her down. Maud’s been misbehaving rather, and past a certain point any kind of sin puts someone on Mother’s radar. And then certain aspects of the soul’s behaviour made Mother suspect it belonged to Maud and when she taxed Granny with it, Granny revealed all.” 

Evadne’s expression became darker. 

“I rather think Granny thought Mother would approve.”

Hilda was still looking somewhat bemused. “But ‘misbehaving’? And ‘certain aspects of the soul’s behaviour’. Can a soul _have_ bad behaviour?”

“Well, in this case Maud’s soul has taken on rather an interesting form. You see, she—” Evadne looked somewhat awkward. “Look, Hilda, it’s probably best if I just show you once we get there.”

“There? You mean, we’re going to Sheerness?” said Hilda.

“Well, yes. Naturally we have to go and collect and Maud’s soul now that I know where she is. It is my job.” Evadne looked at Hilda hesitantly. “Unless you’d rather sit this one out?”

Hilda sat up straight and shook her head firmly. “No, dear. As Maud’s friend and former employer I think I am honour bound to help out and be there. Of course I'll come with you!”

“Thank you, dear. I do appreciate the support.” Evadne groaned a little and slumped back in her chair. “I feel so awful about all this. Heaven knows I never truly liked the woman but my own grandmother eating her? I feel terrible.”

Hilda pushed her own chair back and stood up. “There was nothing you could have done,” she said soothingly. She put her cup and saucer back onto the tray and picked the tray up. “But now we _can_ help. Let’s get on with our packing and we can set off early tomorrow morning. Let’s get to Sheerness and jolly well assist Maud onto the next world!”

They decided to take the train down. Neither of them felt in the right frame of mind for driving, and Evadne’s powers of teleportation wouldn’t have been able to encompass Hilda’s many and varied suitcases. 

Evadne sighed a little as they lugged all the cases down the platform at Sheerness. 

Hilda smiled weakly. “I’m sorry, dear. Packing got away from me, rather.”

Evadne gave her a small smile in return. “It’s fine, Hilda. I know you find having a range of clothes with you comforting. And heaven knows we need a bit of comfort in this situation.”

They were approaching a short line of waiting taxis, and Hilda gestured to them.

“Should we go and see if there are rooms at Maud’s cousin’s place? Beach View, or whatever it’s called?”

Evadne glanced at Hilda. “I… really don’t think that’s a good idea, dear. What on earth could we say to them?”

Hilda’s face fell a little. “Oh, yes. Yes, of course.”

Evadne shrugged. “It’s an awful situation but I think it’s best we give Rosie and Robert a wide berth and leave them to assume Maud is still missing. We need to concentrate on releasing her soul without any distractions.” 

Hilda frowned in concentration. “But… hang on a minute. You’re saying Maud’s in Sheerness, but hasn’t come here to haunt her cousin? Or whatever souls do.” 

Evadne hesitated, but then simply gave Hilda another small and reassuring smile. 

“Let’s just find somewhere to stay and get settled in and then see if we can find Maud.”

“All right, dear.” With a cautious expression, Hilda followed Evadne to the taxi at the front of the queue.

The driver took them to a pleasant little hotel that did full board, and Hilda and Evadne managed to secure a twin room. 

“So now are we going to see Maud?” asked Hilda, as she closed the last drawer after all her unpacking.

“Well…” Evadne turned round from the window, where she had been staring out at the sea. She regarded Hilda worriedly. “It’s almost lunchtime. Would you like a cup of tea first, dear?”

“Evadne.”

Hilda pulled back her shoulders.

“You think whatever is going on is going to be a shock for me. Yes. I understand. But please can we just get this over with?”

Evadne sighed. “Of course you’re right, Hilda. There’s no point postponing anything.”

She turned and made her way to the bedroom door.

“Put your hat on, Hilda. We’re going to the front.”

And she led the way down the stairs, out of the boarding house, and out onto the promenade.

Where it was a typical seaside summer’s day in Sheerness. Windy, chilly, and with the threat of rain, but there were still some hardy holidaymakers knocking about on the beach, most of them far in the distance.

Hilda smiled out at the lone holidaymakers on the stretch of beach immediately in front of them. Two young women in their early twenties, who were throwing a beach ball to each other and laughing merrily. Hilda laughed a little in sympathy. “Oh, to be young again! They look like they’re having fun.”

Evadne regarded the girls with a more considering eye. “They do, don’t they? Keep your eye on them, Hilda. I think they may attract Maud’s attention.”

Hilda wrinkled her forehead at Evadne, then shook her head and returned her attention to the girls.

A little way out at sea, the waves seemed to be getting somewhat rougher but the girls weren’t paying attention.

“Should we say something?” said Hilda. “Do you think they’ll be all right?”

Evadne put her head on one side, considering. “Well, ‘all right’ is up for debate but I don’t think they are in any _serious_ danger…”

Hilda stared at Evadne. She was about to speak again when out at sea, the waves erupted.

Hilda’s mouth fell open. A monster as big as the old manse had emerged from the water. A monster of an unwholesome, murky grey, and seemingly completely made up of an endless number of writhing, searching, grasping tentacles.

“Oh, my _God!”_

Hilda instinctively began to run towards the steps for the beach but Evadne held her back.

“We can take our time going down, Hilda. I don’t want you to risk twisting your ankle in those heels.”

Hilda’s eyes were wide as she spun her head and stared at Evadne. 

“But those poor girls! We’ve got to help them!”

“Don’t worry, dear.” Evadne gestured vaguely at the tentacled mass. “She may not be the most dextrous of beings but even I have to admit there is no real malice in her.”

She took Hilda’s arm, and she calmly walked her down the steps and onto the beach.

The monster had drawn a little nearer and was extending several tentacles towards the girls. However it wasn’t trying to attack them. Hilda frowned a little. It looked almost as if the monster was trying to grab the beach ball. 

One girl was staring in horror at the creature. The other was yelling and throwing bits of driftwood at the nearest tentacle. Finally she grabbed her companion’s hand and pulled her away in a run.

The monster showed absolutely no interest in them, instead finally managing to pick up the ball. It cautiously threw it up in the air before clumsily catching it again. Then seemingly emboldened, it enthusiastically began throwing the ball up over and over again. Despite the monster’s lack of skill, it was so big and there were so many tentacles available it never lost the ball entirely.

Evadne stood and calmly watched all of this. 

She turned to Hilda and raised an eyebrow. “Do you recognise her, dear?”

Hilda was gazing trembling at the creature. “Is it…? Is it…?” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “The Kraken?”

Evadne snorted. “No, dear. Someone from a little nearer to home.”

Hilda looked at her confused and Evadne sighed.

“The whole reason we’re here? It’s Maud, dear.”

_“Maud…?”_

Hilda stared out at the happily playing creature. 

_“That’s_ Maud’s soul?”

“Yes.” Evadne looked somewhat awkward. “Because of the rather… unorthodox… manner of her death, her soul has reverted to its more basic primeval form.”

Hilda nodded in bewilderment. “I suppose becoming all tentacles _is_ very Maud.” She frowned suddenly. “How on earth is Sheerness keeping this all quiet? A supernatural tentacled monster terrorising holidaymakers!” 

“You’d be surprised the amount of power town councils wield,” said Evadne darkly. “Especially when money is at stake.”

Hilda’s eyes were back on Maud. “So what do we do now?” 

Evadne shrugged. “Speak to Maud, I suppose.” She gestured with her head out to sea. “Can... you call her, Hilda? She always preferred you to me.”

“All right…” said Hilda faintly. She cleared her throat. “Maud…” she called delicately. “Oh, Maud…”

Maud however was still apparently having far too much fun with the ball.

Evadne sighed. “MAUD!”

That got Maud’s attention. 

A voice boomed out. A voice suggestive of bottomless depths and the vast expanses of time. 

But still with that distinctive Suffolk accent. 

“Doctor! Dame ‘ilda! Is that you!”

Maud dropped the ball and it disappeared into her tangle of tentacles. She crashed through the water towards them.

“‘ow did you find me? Oh, I’ve been ‘avin’ a lovely time!”

Hilda smiled weakly. “She’s certainly taking her death well,” she whispered to Evadne.

“Thank heavens. That does make things easier,” whispered Evadne. She raised her voice again. “Maud, do you remember… what happened to you?”

Maud’s tentacles went a little limp. “Yes! I do, Doctor. I went to see that bloomin’ Auntie Barbara to see if she could ‘elp with stopping you from being so bad-tempered. And she said she could, and I said ‘ooray, and then she went and flamin’ ate me! I was ever so annoyed, I was.”

“Yes.” Evadne smiled weakly. “And Maud, you do realise you’re now, well. Dead.”

“Seems an odd thing to call it, Doctor, when I’m ‘avin’ the time of my life!” 

Maud waved her tentacles vigorously about in illustration. 

Evadne sighed. “But you do know you’re strictly speaking in incorporeal form?”

“Eh?” said Maud.

“This is just your soul, now,” called Hilda. 

“Oh, yes. I knows that.” Maud splashed about a bit. “And I be enjoying it rather. No bills, no job, no ‘ousework, no running round after Arthur. It’s like a permanent ‘oliday!”

“Yes, dear. That’s lovely. But you do know you’ve got to…” Hilda hesitated. “Move on…?”

Maud raised a tentacle in an oddly questioning gesture. “Do you mean down the coast, Dame ‘ilda? Is the coastguard going to arrest me?”

“No, dear. I mean…” Hilda looked pleadingly at Evadne.

Evadne sighed,

“Maud, dear. Prepare yourself for a small shock.”

There was a blurring around Evadne’s form, and when it solidified again she was in her other form of robe, scythe and skeleton.

Evadne posed dramatically. 

“Oooo,” said Maud, in an impressed tone.

“Yes, indeed,” said Evadne. 

She raised the scythe. 

“Maud, I know this may be unexpected but I am the Grim Reaper. I am here to collect you, and to send you safely on to the next world!”

There was a pregnant pause.

“No,” said Maud.

“No?” said Evadne. She lowered the scythe again.

Maud began to retreat further out to sea, her tentacles waving. “I suppose you’ve got a job to do, Doctor. But this is the first time in years I’ve ‘ad some proper fun. I’m not ready to go yet and you can’t make me!”

“Now, Maud—!”

But Maud plunged straight down under the waves and very soon there was no sign she had ever been there.

“She’s quite right, actually! I can’t make me come with me.” 

Once Evadne had returned to her Dr. Hinge form, she and Hilda had decided to go back to the hotel for lunch before planning their next move. 

Evadne paused outside the hotel’s dining room and turned to face Hilda. She sighed. 

“I’ve just never been in this situation before! It’s always been, I turn up and souls automatically come with me.”

She glanced at Hilda and looked away.

“I think… we’re going to need extra help. I don’t like to do this but I think we’re going to need to call Mother.”

She looked back at Hilda.

“Would you mind… doing something sinful?”

Hilda stared at Evadne. “I beg your pardon?”

Evadne smiled weakly. “Just to get Mother’s attention. I can’t do it. It has to be a human.”

Hilda smiled in bewilderment. “Well, I suppose…” She furrowed her brow and then began to hum and dance a little on the spot.

Evadne watched her bemused. “Hilda, what are you doing?”

Hilda was picking up speed with the dancing. “The… Charleston… dear.” She was really giving it her all now. “Mummy… taught it to me… when I was a child. It’s still rather risqué, wouldn’t you say?”

Evadne glanced into the dining room. “Maybe, or maybe not. But you do seem to have caught a lot of people’s attention. I suppose disturbing their meals probably counts.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Ah, it does, indeed. Mother, you’re here.”

Hilda halted her dancing and turned to see the Personification of Sin behind her. As always, glamourous and beaming, and looking just that _slightest_ bit too young to be Evadne’s mother.

Maureen acknowledged them both with a nod. “Girls.” 

She smiled at Evadne. 

“So what can your old mother do for you, _Mona?”_

Evadne winced. “Please, mother. I appreciate you coming. But that ‘moaner’ joke wasn’t funny the first time I heard it. It’s not even as if I’m a banshee or something. Death always arrives silently.”

Hilda nodded in agreement. “She’s forever making me jump in the kitchen.”

Evadne gave Hilda a pointed look and returned her attention to Maureen.

“I know you’d prefer me to use a Celtic name.” She sighed. “But I can really do without the pun. I’ve chosen Evadne. Please try and stick to it.”

“Fine, dear. I’ll _try.”_ Maureen gave them both a roguish smile. “Now, what do you need me for?”

Evadne was still considering her mother with some irritation, so Hilda quickly stepped in to answer. “We need you to help us collect Maud, dear. She’s refusing point blank to accompany us.”

“Ah. You know, I suspected this might happen.” 

Maureen grinned. 

“So just let me sort a few things out. I’ll see you tomorrow after breakfast, on the seafront.”

The next day it was cold and drizzling, and there was no-one else about on the beach. 

Hilda was shivering, even in her many layers. 

“Where is Maureen? Can’t she hurry up?”

Evadne rolled her eyes. “Swear or something, Hilda. That’ll bring her running.”

Hilda took a deep breath. “Oh… knickers!”

Evadne turned and smiled politely up at the elderly gentleman who was just passing by on the promenade at that moment, and then dropped her voice to speak to Hilda.

“Good heavens, is that the best you can do?” 

Hilda regarded Evadne with dignity. “Some of us were well brought up, thank you.”

“And some of you had to put up with me instead!”

Maureen was there smiling at them both, looking younger than ever and dressed in what seemed to be a traditional pirate outfit that revealed rather a lot of cleavage. 

Evadne smiled at her. “Wonderful, Mother. Now let’s get on and—”

Maureen held up a hand. “Not so fast, dear.” She looked hesitant. “Now, you’re not to get worked up, Mo—” She smiled sweetly. “I mean, Evadne.”

Evadne looked at her mother suspiciously. “What are you up to, Mother?”

“I simply think the sea is not the natural place for any of us, and we could do with a bit more help.” Maureen shrugged. “So I asked someone to come and assist us.”

Evadne narrowed her eyes. “Someone…?”

“An old flame of yours. All the way from bonnie Scotland.” Maureen smiled and pointed out to sea. On the horizon could be seen a small ship moving towards them.

Evadne groaned. “Oh, _Mother._ Not _him.”_

Hilda stared at the ship and then back at Evadne. “Who is it? Who’s coming?”

Evadne addressed Hilda but continued to glare at her mother. “One of the old Scottish gods. From the very beginning of time.” She turned to face Hilda. “The god of the sea depths.”

Hilda’s eyes widened. “Good gracious.”

Evadne nodded. “He is known as the Dark Stranger, who was sired of a Dark Stranger. Or in the Gaelic…”

Hilda leant forwards, her eyes now very wide indeed. “Yes…? Yes…?”

Evadne drew herself up to her full height. _“Dougal MacDougal!”_

“Oh.”

Hilda frowned.

“I thought it was going to be a bit more impressive than that.”

Evadne muttered something that seemed to end in the word ‘Sassennach’.

Hilda looked a trifle hurt. “I don’t know why you’re throwing words like that around when you say you’re not even truly Scottish yourself.”

Evadne sighed. “Fine. And you’re right in a way about Dougal. He isn’t a particularly impressive god. Rather minor to be honest.”

“But he was a flame of yours?” said Hilda.

“No!” Evadne glared again at her smiling mother, and then looked back at Hilda. “It was back at the beginning of time when we were all in our youth. Well, you know what young people are like—they’re all obsessed with Death. All that pale makeup and dark clothing. Dougal used to hang about me all the time. I couldn’t get rid of him.”

“And you weren’t interested?” asked Hilda. 

“No.” Evadne’s shoulders slumped. “I wouldn’t have been interested if he was the last manifestation on earth!” She looked at Maureen. “And I never will be!”

Maureen sighed. “Don’t take on so, dear. I just invited him to help with Maud. I’m long past trying to play matchmaker for you.” She raised an eyebrow. “I know a hopeless case when I see one.”

“Thank you, Mother!” Evadne composed herself. “Look, I will try to get on with him for Maud’s sake.” 

She looked at Hilda. 

“We’ll travel out to the ship the easy way, I think. Give me your hand, Hilda.”

Maureen took Hilda’s other hand. She grinned. “Everybody ready? Okay. here we go!”

And a moment later they were standing on Dougal MacDougal’s ship, with Dougal himself beaming at them.

“Mrs. Sin! Grim!”

He wore a similar pirate’s outfit to Maureen’s and spoke with a similar Scottish accent too. 

Maureen and Evadne released Hilda’s hands, and Maureen stepped forward. She beamed back at Dougal. “Hello, dear. Thank you for agreeing to help out.”

She gestured at her companions. 

“Now, of course you already know wee Mon— _Evadne_ here but this is her friend Dame Hilda Bracket.”

Hilda gave Dougal a cautious smile. “Charmed, I’m sure.”

“It’s a great pleasure, Dame Hilda.” Dougal bowed to her.

He turned to Evadne.

“And it’s always a pleasure to see you, Grim. Or… you say it’s Evadne you’re going by these days?”

“That’s right.” There was no answering smile on Evadne’s face. “Nice to see you again, Dougal. How’s work?”

Dougal’s smile faded rather. “Fine, fine.”

“Well, thank you for agreeing to help us with Maud. Shall we get straight on?”

Dougal looked rather downcast. “Yes, all right then.” His expression became rather professional. “Would you all mind helping me throw out the immaterial dragnet…?”

He indicated what seemed to be an invisible pile of absolutely nothing at all but he, Maureen, and Evadne set to to moving it with no hesitation. Hilda gingerly tried to assist. Her eyes widened. 

“Oo, I can feel it. It’s like a tingling in the back of my mind. How very peculiar.”

The four of them lifted the immaterial net together and threw it over the side, where ripples in the water showed its path as it spread itself out. 

“Right! So that’s in place,” said Maureen. “Now to catch Maud!”

Dougal wrinkled his brow. “But how we will attract your friend towards it? She could be anywhere.” 

Hilda patted Evadne’s arm. “Oh! Do you remember me dancing the Charleston?”

Evadne narrowed her eyes. “Vividly.”

“So what about some more dancing!”

Hilda turned to the others.

“Maud always loved a bit of dancing.” 

She turned back to Evadne. 

“Well, if you remember, dear, that’s how the community centre burnt down.”

“Dancing seems like an excellent idea, Dame Hilda!” 

Dougal held out his arm to Evadne and looked hopeful.

“No,” said Evadne firmly.

Maureen laughed heartily. “Come on, Dougal. I’ll dance with you! Evadne, if you’re going to be a wet blanket, you can provide the music!”

She picked up an accordion that was resting on a nearby barrel and thrust it at Evadne. 

“Fine, Mother!”

Evadne sighed, but she began to play a jolly little tune and Hilda hummed along.

Maureen and Dougal took up their dancing positions and began. 

Dougal seemed to be aiming for a sedate waltz, even though Evadne wasn’t playing in 3/4 time but Maureen quickly eased him into a wild sort of polka, whirling him around the deck.

And after only a couple of minutes of this, Maud ascended slowly out of the sea, tentacles waving along to the music.

“Excellent,” whispered Evadne.

The ship began to sway as the tentacles stirred up waves. “Hello, Dame ‘ilda! Hello, Doctor!” called Maud. “Oo, and is that the Doctor’s mother…?”

Maureen and Dougal swung by Evadne. “Now!” whispered Maureen intently.

Evadne passed the accordion to Hilda. And accompanied in both senses by her friend, she eased her way over to the ship’s wheel. She turned it slightly, to make the ship head past Maud and hopefully get her to collide with the net. 

The ship got closer and closer. 

“We’re almost there,” whispered Evadne to Hilda. She made another slight adjustment to the wheel.

Just as the net was about to reach Maud, Dougal and Maureen came round again. Dougal attempted to give Maureen a particularly vigorous twirl— 

And he barged straight into Evadne.

Evadne involuntarily spun the wheel and the ship went off course. 

The net rippled through the water, and the edge just touched one of Maud’s tentacles. 

Maud froze.

“Doctor! Dame ‘ilda! How _could_ you!”

She plunged beneath the waves, tentacles thrashing about. 

“Is she going to attack us?” cried Hilda, dropping the accordion and rushing to the side of the ship.

But the sea was calm again with no sign of Maud.

“Maud wouldn’t do that. She’s simply run away.” Evadne turned to Dougal, her face fuming. “How could you, Dougal! We almost had her. Now she’ll be on her guard and we’ll never catch her.”

“Now steady on, dear,” said Maureen carefully. “It was just an accident.”

Evadne was still glaring at Dougal. “Well, it’s just the sort of thing to expect from Dougal MacDougal! You minor gods are all the same. No point to you whatsoever! I don’t know why we got you involved.”

Dougal stared at her. “I was asked to help by your mother. But if I’m not wanted…”

Suddenly the ship was gone, and Maureen, Evadne and Hilda all found themselves treading water in the sea.

Hilda floundered in her heavy clothes. “Help! Help!”

“How could you be so petty, Dougal!” yelled Evadne. “All right, Hilda! I’ve got you!”

She grabbed Hilda and held her above water, and abruptly they were all three back on the beach. Sodden but safe. 

Very early the next morning Evadne, Hilda and Maureen returned to the beach. 

“Right, we can do this! We don’t need Dougal,” said Evadne firmly.

Hilda looked at her worriedly. “But are you sure this is going to work, dear?” 

She looked Evadne up and down. Evadne was in her skeletal reaper form, with a ten foot inflatable Loch Ness monster strapped to her back.

Evadne looked back at her with as much determination as a skull could show. “It’s our best bet, Hilda. Maud sees the inflatable and I’ll be floating underneath where she can’t notice me. She picks up and plays with the inflatable and once I’m in physical contact with her, hopefully I can pull her to the next world. Kicking and screaming if needs be.”

“I still think you should apologise to Dougal though, you know,” said Maureen. “He’s not a bad lad. And his ship would be a lot of help—”

“No, Mother!” Evadne rested a bony hand on Hilda’s arm. “Hilda could have got seriously injured when he pulled that stunt of leaving us in the water.”

Hilda patted Evadne’s hand. “You’re quite right. He shouldn’t have done that. But it was an accident when Dougal bumped into you. I think an apology from you first wou—”

Evadne removed her hand from Hilda’s arm. “Not you too. Look, if he wants to apologise to _us_ first, I might consider apologising in return but otherwise, forget it.”

“All right, dear! You know best.” Maureen looked significantly at Hilda. “Come on, Hilda. Let’s get ourselves out of the way.”

They went and crouched behind what Maureen referred to as her Veil That Shields Sin From Those Unwilling To See It. 

“It does look rather like a striped windbreak though,” tentatively whispered Hilda.

“Hush,” said Maureen. “Let’s keep our eyes on old Mona and hope she doesn’t get into trouble.”

Evadne staggered out into the shallows and then once the water was at her waist, she launched herself into a horizontal position and the inflatable Loch Ness monster floated out to sea. For a while there was no sign of Maud but then a lone tentacle peeked out of the water and prodded Nessie.

“Looks like Evadne was right,” whispered Hilda. “Maud couldn’t resist it.”

More tentacles came out of the water and stroked the inflatable. Then just as Maud was about to grab it—

She was grabbed herself and pulled backwards!

“What on earth?” cried Hilda shooting up.

Maureen stood up too. “It must be Dougal! He’s caught her in his net! Oh, good lad! I knew we could rely on him!”

Dougal’s ship suddenly popped into existence. But Dougal wasn’t looking pleased at his catch. His face was dark and glowering.

Maureen frowned. “What’s going on there? Take my hand would you, Hilda dear? And prepare yourself to get a little damp.”

She took Hilda’s hand and a moment later they were both sitting astride the Loch Ness monster inflatable in the sea, Maureen behind Hilda.

“Now let’s just get Mona untied…” said Maureen. She undid the straps, and very soon the skeletal Evadne popped back up to the surface.

Hilda helped pull her up and Evadne took a seat at the very front of the inflatable. There was a blurring and she returned to her Dr. Hinge form. 

She looked over at Dougal, puzzled. “So you’ve decided to help after all?” she called.

Dougal sneered at her. 

“Help _myself,_ yes. I need a good monster for scaring people and rounding up rogue souls. I’m keeping Maud for myself and taking her down to the deeps.”

Hilda’s eyes widened. “He can’t do that. Can he?”

Evadne half-turned to address Hilda over her shoulder. “I’m afraid he can. He is a god.” She groaned and clenched her fists. “What are we going to do now?”

“Would it really be so bad if we just let Dougal take her to the depths?” suggested Maureen tentatively. “She would be safely out of the way at least.”

“Maureen!” Hilda spun to look at her so fast that the inflatable rocked alarmingly. “We couldn’t do that to Maud.”

Evadne sighed, looking forward at Maud caught in Dougal’s net. “I agree with Hilda, Mother. Maud might have been a pain in the neck in life but she deserves her eternal rest as much as the next…” She paused. “...monstrous manifestation.”

“I ‘eard that!” boomed Maud.

Evadne smiled politely in Maud’s direction and turned her head to continue talking to Hilda and Maureen. “Look, it doesn’t matter whether Dougal has Maud in his net or not. It makes no difference to our initial plan. If either Mother or I can simply touch Maud then we can transfer her wherever we want.” 

“Of course, dear!” Maureen beamed at Evadne. 

Hilda looked worried. “And you’ll definitely be able to take her to the next life whether she wants to go or not?”

Evadne hesitated. “Yes. Yes, I’m sure I’ll be able to.”

A rapid blurring and Evadne returned to her reaper form. She rummaged in her robe and brought a megaphone out. 

Hilda had a bemused expression. “It’s like your own portable shed, isn’t it, dear?” 

Evadne thrust the megaphone at Hilda. “Just you take that and call out directions for me and Mother.”

She looked at Maureen. 

“All right. Let’s go!”

The two of them disappeared from the Loch Ness monster inflatable and reappeared in the water near Maud.

“Oh, Doctor! ‘elp! I don’t want to go down to the depths!”

“Hang on, Maud! We’ll get you out of there!”

The ship at that moment began dragging Maud away.

“Oh, no! Um, to your left! And, er… up a bit?” came Hilda’s voice over the megaphone.

“For heaven’s sake, Hilda…” muttered Evadne.

She and Maureen transported from one point to another. The ship changed direction.

“To your right!” called Hilda more confidently. 

Evadne and Maureen transported themselves again.

“Let’s split up!” said Maureen. “You move on Hilda’s next call and I’ll stay here. It’ll be harder for Dougal if he has to try and evade both of us.”

“To your left again!” called Hilda.

Evadne teleported herself. Dougal, trying to get round Maureen, put the net and Maud right into Evadne’s path.

“Well done, Hilda and Mother!” whispered Evadne to herself. “Perfect!”

She was almost in touching distance of one of Maud’s flailing tentacles.

“Doctor! ‘elp me!” Maud kept whipping her tentacle towards Evadne, presumably to try and grab onto her but whipping the tentacle away again before Evadne could grab it. 

“Maud! Stop trying to help! You’re only making things worse!” 

Evadne grabbed Maud’s tentacle and suddenly they were both back by the inflatable Loch Ness monster. 

Maureen arrived a second later. 

“Oh, thank heavens you’re safe, Maud!” Hilda looked at Evadne. “Quick, dear! Get her safely to the next world before Dougal comes back.”

Evadne shook her head. “I’ve already tried! The moment I made contact. Maud still won’t go, drat her! Apparently she does have to be completely willing to leave this world, and I still can’t force her.” 

“Well, we’ll have to do something because Dougal’s ship heading back this way!” said Maureen.

“Oh, Maud dear. Hide!” said Hilda. 

Evadne looked at her. “Hide? A 20 foot kraken? I think that might be a little difficult to arrange, Hilda.”

“Oo, ‘ang on though, Doctor. I think...” 

Maud abruptly began shrinking down and was remarkably soon merely the size of a dinner plate. 

Evadne’s jaw dropped. “Maud! How on _earth_ did you manage that?”

Maud’s tentacles somehow contrived to look smug. “I am simply an expression of psychic energy out into the physical world, Doctor. Therefore I am not constrained by the laws of physics.”

There was a moment of complete stunned silence. 

“Good heavens, Maud,” said Hilda eventually. “Death has done wonders for you.”

“Well, I currently has access to all the mysteries of the world,” said Maud. “And I be taking advantage of that and expanding me ‘orizons.” There was a great dignity to her voice. “I be becoming one with the universe. Moving to a state of exaltedness and of grandeur. Becoming a being of unassailable dignity and serenity.” 

“Oh, no! Dougal is on the way back!” yelled Maureen.

“Oooooo!” The being of unassailable dignity and serenity flung herself at Hilda’s face.

“‘aud, plea’ get owf!” Hilda pulled Maud off her face. 

Evadne grabbed her instead, and stuffed her into her robes.

Dougal’s ship had arrived. “Hand her over!” he shouted.

Evadne raised her bony chin. “No, absolutely not.” 

Dougal laughed darkly. “You think you own the entire world, don’t you? Just because you’re the Grim Reaper. That Maud monster is a creature of the sea and under my specific jurisdiction. I have just as much right to her as you do! More even!”

Evadne stared at him. 

“Now hang on. I don’t have any ‘right’ to Maud. I’m just trying to do what’s best for her.”

“Well, it didn’t sound like _she_ wanted what’s ‘best for her’.” 

Dougal scowled. 

“You’ve always been like this. Thinking you know everything, and thinking you’re better than everyone else. Looking down your nose at me and my family. I looked up to you! But you always treated me as worthless.”

“That is just not true, Dougal!” said Evadne.

“Isn’t it?” Dougal stabbed a finger towards her. “You take every opportunity to refer to me as a _minor_ god.” He threw up his hands. “And any mistake I make is added to the list as evidence of what a fool I am!”

Evadne looked awkward. “Now, that’s certainly not true. Well, maybe a little true. Well… I mean…”

Dougal shrugged. “Let’s face it. You see me and my kind as lesser beings, here to do your will.”

“What? No, that’s not right!” Evadne shook her skull. “Yes, I admit I have perhaps been unfair to you.” She looked straight at Dougal. “But my family has always admired yours. Why do you think we adopted a Scottish backstory! And why do you think Mother adopted your accent? You and your family are shining examples of divine beings! I have always had respect for you, Dougal.”

“Well, you were very good at hiding it,” said Dougal bitterly.

Evadne bowed her skull. She looked up at Dougal again. “You’re right. And I think I owe you an apology. Can we all come aboard?”

Dougal hesitated but he nodded.

Evadne turned to take Hilda’s hand. Hilda smiled at her. And she and Evadne, along with Maureen, suddenly were standing on Dougal’s ship. 

Evadne stepped forward and firmly held out her bony hand. “I am sorry that I treated you so badly, Dougal. But I also hope you realise you don’t need my approval or anyone else’s. You’re your own man, and it never mattered and never will matter what I think of you. I hope… I hope we can be friends from here on.”

Dougal smiled a little and took her hand. “I apologise too. To all three of you. It was wrong of me to throw you into the sea.” He nodded at the movement in Evadne’s robes, where Maud was wriggling about. “I… apologise to Maud too. She’s a free soul in charge of her own destiny. I had no right to try and take her away, any more than you did.”

A cluster of tentacles peeped out through the robes. “I will go to the next world eventually,” called Maud. “When my Arthur goes. I know ‘e would be lost without me.”

Hilda and Evadne exchanged a significant look.

“But I’m not goin’ yet. I’ve only just started having fun! There’s so much to learn about the universe.”

“But if Maud isn’t going to go to the next world, what are we going to do with her?” said Hilda.

“That’s a good point.” Evadne looked down at Maud. “We simply can’t leave you here in the sea. Too big and you’ll cause too much disruption. Too small and you’re at risk of getting hurt. And word is going to get out eventually. We can’t risk you attracting any unpleasant attention.”

“You know, I think I may have the solution...” 

Maureen gave a broad smile.

“Maud, how small can you shrink yourself, do you think?”

Safely back home in the lounge of Utopia Limited, Hilda glanced up from her magazine and over at the two fish bowls on the grand piano. One containing a goldfish named Sandy, and the other containing the miniature soul of the former Maud Print.

“All right in there?” called Hilda.

“Oh, yes,” called back Maud. “Dame ‘ilda, did you know about all this business with the ‘iggs boson?”

Evadne looked up from reading her book on the sofa, and she beamed.

“It’s so wonderful Maud’s safe and happy, Hilda. And later on we can take her down to the river so she can exercise her body as well as her mind.”

“Excellent.” Hilda smiled at Evadne. “Oh, it is lovely to have everything back to normal, isn’t it?”

There was the sudden sound of bubbling over on the grand piano. 

Hilda and Evadne slowly turned to look. 

“Um, Dame ‘ilda,” called Maud. “Dame ‘ilda, I think I’ve started a nuclear reaction in my fish bowl.”

Hilda’s smile became rather fixed. “Can… you sort that one out, Evadne?”

“I can indeed, dear.” Evadne set down her book and got to her feet. “You might want to pop out for a while though. Maybe down to the shops to get Maud a new bowl? She’s probably going to need one.”

“All right, dear.”

Hilda watched as Evadne advanced on the fish bowl with caution but determination. She shook her head and turned to make her way out into the hall. 

“Oh, Maud, dear. Never change!”


End file.
